First "appeared" in Anarchist Review in the 1970s
but the editor later explained that his "anarchy" was to accept and not publish it.
© 2004 by Louie Crew
ELLIS ISLAND, NY. Government secrets leaked last week reveal that the site of the U.S. immigrant orientation centers has been leased to a new private academic firm, The Christine Jorgenson Memorial Jargon-Eugenics Adjustment-Abortment Corp., Inc., known by its acronym in Houyhnhnm, Stutter. Stutter® has obtained a ninety-nine year lease. According to a source known to be important on Stutter®'s planning committee, the new venture is an in-patient clinic to serve academic professionals suffering from a variety of identity crises. Currently Stutter® is quietly seeking skilled personnel to manage and staff its many departments.
Transafrique promises to be Stutter®'s most innovative department. For a mere $5,000 Tranafrique's John Howard Griffin plan will guarantee to make any Caucasian into a genuine Black person, making the person thereby employ- able under affirmative action. As an added bonus, Transafrique will also supply the down payment on a condominium hovel in Harlem.
Less adventurous academics will probably prefer Transafrique's $2,0no economy plan, by which any white academic, male or female, can undergo a variety of lesser African identity transformations designed to render one more employable. Legal experts will promptly execute suitable name changes (e.g., Professor Beauregard Brother Regarbeau X). Applied linguists, who will occupy the H. Rap Brown Language Laboratory, have designed a program guaranteed to inculcate a revolutionary rant in forty-eight hours of instruction. 6rooks Bros. will operate a dashiki boutique in the Student Center, and the librarians will transform at least twenty pages of the professor's articles or monographs on minutiae of Caucasian culture into a publishable treatise on similar minutiae in the Third World. Stutter® even has plans for starting new Third-World journals to generate a market for Transafrique's publications.
Like Transafrique, the Lind program also has a $2,000 economy plan that is less ambitious, but superficially as convincing. Lawyers recruited from Gay Lib have a host of name changes to effect (John Jonnie, Edward Edwina, etc.), and haberdashers aplenty abound. The recent boom in national wig industries makes hair changes immediate, fortunately for Prufrockian sages; and for a modest $1500 extra, these can have the Proxmire Special.
Those interested in working in or taking one of Stutter®'s programs will find all relevant information in future issues of most journals of higher education.
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